idle thoughts of an idle fellow- 第1部分

THE　IDLE　THOUGHTS
OF
AN　IDLE　FELLOW。

by　JEROME　K。　JEROME。


NEW　YORK：
A。　L。　BURT；　PUBLISHER。



TO

THE　VERY　DEAR　AND　WELL…BELOVED

FRIEND

OF　MY　PROSPEROUS　AND　EVIL　DAYS

TO　THE　FRIEND
WHO；　THOUGH　IN　THE　EARLY　STAGES　OF　OUR　ACQUAINTANCESHIP
DID　OFTTIMES　DISAGREE　WITH　ME；　HAS　SINCE
BECOME　TO　BE　MY　VERY　WARMEST　COMRADE

TO　THE　FRIEND
WHO；　HOWEVER　OFTEN　I　MAY　PUT　HIM　OUT；　NEVER　（NOW）
UPSETS　ME　IN　REVENGE

TO　THE　FRIEND
WHO；　TREATED　WITH　MARKED　COOLNESS　BY　ALL　THE　FEMALE
MEMBERS　OF　MY　HOUSEHOLD；　AND　REGARDED　WITH　SUSPICION
BY　MY　VERY　DOG；　NEVERTHELESS　SEEMS　DAY　BY
DAY　TO　BE　MORE　DRAWN　BY　ME；　AND　IN　RETURN
TO　MORE　AND　MORE　IMPREGNATE　ME　WITH
THE　ODOR　OF　HIS　FRIENDSHIP

TO　THE　FRIEND
WHO　NEVER　TELLS　ME　OF　MY　FAULTS；　NEVER　WANTS　TO
BORROW　MONEY；　AND　NEVER　TALKS　ABOUT　HIMSELF

TO　THE　COMPANION
OF　MY　IDLE　HOURS；　THE　SOOTHER　OF　MY　SORROWS；
THE　CONFIDANT　OF　MY　JOYS　AND　HOPES

MY　OLDEST　AND　STRONGEST

PIPE；

THIS　LITTLE　VOLUME

IS

GRATEFULLY　AND　AFFECTIONATELY

DEDICATED。



PREFACE

One　or　two　friends　to　whom　I　showed　these　papers　in　MS。　having　observed　that　they　were　not　half　bad；　and　some　of　my　relations　having　promised　to　buy　the　book　if　it　ever　came　out；　I　feel　I　have　no　right　to　longer　delay　its　issue。　　But　for　this；　as　one　may　say；　public　demand；　I　perhaps　should　not　have　ventured　to　offer　these　mere　〃idle　thoughts〃　of　mine　as　mental　food　for　the　English…speaking　peoples　of　the　earth。　　What　readers　ask　nowadays　in　a　book　is　that　it　should　improve；　instruct；　and　elevate。　　This　book　wouldn't　elevate　a　cow。　　I　cannot　conscientiously　recommend　it　for　any　useful　purposes　whatever。　All　I　can　suggest　is　that　when　you　get　tired　of　reading　〃the　best　hundred　books；〃　you　may　take　this　up　for　half　an　hour。　　It　will　be　a　change。


CONTENTS。

IDLE　THOUGHTS　OF　AN　IDLE　FELLOW。

ON　BEING　IDLE　ON　BEING　IN　LOVE　ON　BEING　IN　THE　BLUES　ON　BEING　HARD　UP　ON　VANITY　AND　VANITIES　ON　GETTING　ON　IN　THE　WORLD　ON　THE　WEATHER　ON　CATS　AND　DOGS　ON　BEING　SHY　ON　BABIES　ON　EATING　AND　DRINKING　ON　FURNISHED　APARTMENTS　ON　DRESS　AND　DEPORTMENT　ON　MEMORY



The　Idle　Thoughts　of　an　Idle　Fellow。

ON　BEING　IDLE。

Now；　this　is　a　subject　on　which　I　flatter　myself　I　really　am　_au　fait_。　　The　gentleman　who；　when　I　was　young；　bathed　me　at　wisdom's　font　for　nine　guineas　a　termno　extrasused　to　say　he　never　knew　a　boy　who　could　do　less　work　in　more　time；　and　I　remember　my　poor　grandmother　once　incidentally　observing；　in　the　course　of　an　instruction　upon　the　use　of　the　Prayer…book；　that　it　was　highly　improbable　that　I　should　ever　do　much　that　I　ought　not　to　do；　but　that　she　felt　convinced　beyond　a　doubt　that　I　should　leave　undone　pretty　well　everything　that　I　ought　to　do。

I　am　afraid　I　have　somewhat　belied　half　the　dear　old　lady's　prophecy。　Heaven　help　me！　　I　have　done　a　good　many　things　that　I　ought　not　to　have　done；　in　spite　of　my　laziness。　　But　I　have　fully　confirmed　the　accuracy　of　her　judgment　so　far　as　neglecting　much　that　I　ought　not　to　have　neglected　is　concerned。　　Idling　always　has　been　my　strong　point。　I　take　no　credit　to　myself　in　the　matterit　is　a　gift。　　Few　possess　it。　　There　are　plenty　of　lazy　people　and　plenty　of　slow…coaches；　but　a　genuine　idler　is　a　rarity。　　He　is　not　a　man　who　slouches　about　with　his　hands　in　his　pockets。　　On　the　contrary；　his　most　startling　characteristic　is　that　he　is　always　intensely　busy。

It　is　impossible　to　enjoy　idling　thoroughly　unless　one　has　plenty　of　work　to　do。　　There　is　no　fun　in　doing　nothing　when　you　have　nothing　to　do。　　Wasting　time　is　merely　an　occupation　then；　and　a　most　exhausting　one。　　Idleness；　like　kisses；　to　be　sweet　must　be　stolen。

Many　years　ago；　when　I　was　a　young　man；　I　was　taken　very　illI　never　could　see　myself　that　much　was　the　matter　with　me；　except　that　I　had　a　beastly　cold。　　But　I　suppose　it　was　something　very　serious；　for　the　doctor　said　that　I　ought　to　have　come　to　him　a　month　before；　and　that　if　it　（whatever　it　was）　had　gone　on　for　another　week　he　would　not　have　answered　for　the　consequences。　　It　is　an　extraordinary　thing；　but　I　never　knew　a　doctor　called　into　any　case　yet　but　what　it　transpired　that　another　day's　delay　would　have　rendered　cure　hopeless。　　Our　medical　guide；　philosopher；　and　friend　is　like　the　hero　in　a　melodramahe　always　comes　upon　the　scene　just；　and　only　just；　in　the　nick　of　time。　　It　is　Providence；　that　is　what　it　is。

Well；　as　I　was　saying；　I　was　very　ill　and　was　ordered　to　Buxton　for　a　month；　with　strict　injunctions　to　do　nothing　whatever　all　the　while　that　I　was　there。　　〃Rest　is　what　you　require；〃　said　the　doctor；　〃perfect　rest。〃

It　seemed　a　delightful　prospect。　　〃This　man　evidently　understands　my　complaint；〃　said　I；　and　I　pictured　to　myself　a　glorious　timea　four　weeks'　_dolce　far　niente_　with　a　dash　of　illness　in　it。　　Not　too　much　illness；　but　just　illness　enoughjust　sufficient　to　give　it　the　flavor　of　suffering　and　make　it　poetical。　　I　should　get　up　late；　sip　chocolate；　and　have　my　breakfast　in　slippers　and　a　dressing…gown。　　I　should　lie　out　in　the　garden　in　a　hammock　and　read　sentimental　novels　with　a　melancholy　ending；　until　the　books　should　fall　from　my　listless　hand；　and　I　should　recline　there；　dreamily　gazing　into　the　deep　blue　of　the　firmament；　watching　the　fleecy　clouds　floating　like　white…sailed　ships　across　its　depths；　and　listening　to　the　joyous　song　of　the　birds　and　the　low　rustling　of　the　trees。　　Or；　on　becoming　too　weak　to　go　out　of　doors；　I　should　sit　propped　up　with　pillows　at　the　open　window　of　the　ground…floor　front；　and　look　wasted　and　interesting；　so　that　all　the　pretty　girls　would　sigh　as　they　passed　by。

And　twice　a　day　I　should　go　down　in　a　Bath　chair　to　the　Colonnade　to　drink　the　waters。　　Oh；　those　waters！　　I　knew　nothing　about　them　then；　and　was　rather　taken　with　the　idea。　　〃Drinking　the　waters〃　sounded　fashionable　and　Queen　Anne…fied；　and　I　thought　I　should　like　them。　But；　ugh！　after　the　first　three　or　four　mornings！　　Sam　Weller's　description　of　them　as　〃having　a　taste　of　warm　flat…irons〃　conveys　only　a　faint　idea　of　their　hideous　nauseousness。　　If　anything　could　make　a　sick　man　get　well　quickly；　it　would　be　the　knowledge　that　he　must　drink　a　glassful　of　them　every　day　until　he　was　recovered。　　I　drank　them　neat　for　six　consecutive　days；　and　they　nearly　killed　me；　but　after　then　I　adopted　the　plan　of　taking　a　stiff　glass　of　brandy…and…water　immediately　on　the　top　of　them；　and　found　much　relief　thereby。　　I　have　been　informed　since；　by　various　eminent　medical　gentlemen；　that　the　alcohol　must　have　entirely　counteracted　the　effects　of　the　chalybeate　properties　contained　in　the　water。　　I　am　glad　I　was　lucky　enough　to　hit　upon　the　right　thing。

But　〃drinking　the　waters〃　was　only　a　small　portion　of　the　torture　I　experienced　during　that　memorable　montha　month　which　was；　without　exception；　the　most　miserable　I　have　ever　spent。　　During　the　best　part　of　it　I　religiously　followed　the　doctor's　mandate　and　did　nothing　whatever；　except　moon　about　the　house　and　garden　and　go　out　for　two　hours　a　day　in　a　Bath　chair。　　That　did　break　the　monotony　to　a　certain　extent。　　There　is　more　excitement　about　Bath…chairingespecially　if　you　are　not　used　to　the　exhilarating　exercisethan　might　appear　to　the　casual　observer。　　A　sense　of　danger；　such　as　a　mere　outsider　might　not　understand；　is　ever　present　to　the　mind　of　the　occupant。　　He　feels　convinced　every　minute　that　the　whole　concern　is　going　over；　a　conviction　which　becomes　especially　lively　whenever　a　ditch　or　a　stretch　of　newly　macadamized　road　comes　in　sight。　　Every　vehicle　that　passes　he　expects　is　going　to　run　into　him；　and　he　never　finds　himself　ascending　or　descending　a　hill　without　immediately　beginning　to　speculate　upon　his　chances；　supposingas　seems　extremely　probablethat　the　weak…kneed　controller　of　his　destiny　should　let　go。

But　even　this　diversion　failed　to　enliven　after　awhile；　and　the　_ennui_　became　perfectly　unbearable。　　I　felt　my　mind　giving　way　under　it。　　It　is　not　a　strong　mind；　and　I　thought　it　would　be　unwise　to　tax　it　too　far。　　So　somewhere　about　the　twentieth　morning　I　got　up　early；　had　a　good　breakfast；　and　walked　straight　off　to　Hayfield；　at　the　foot　of　the　Kinder　Scouta　pleasant；　busy　little　town；　reached　through　a　lovely　valley；　and　with　two　sweetly　pretty　women　in　it。　　At　least　they　were　sweetly　pretty　then；　one　passed　me　on　the　bridge　and；　I　think；　smiled；　and　the　other　was　standing　at　an　open　door；　making　an　unremunerative　investment　of　kisses　upon　a　red…faced　baby。　　But　it　is　years　ago；　and　I　dare　say　they　have　both　grown　stout　and　snappish　since　that　time。　　Coming　back；　I　saw　an　old　man　breaking　stones；　and　it　roused　such　strong　longing　in　me　to　use　my　arms　that　I　offered　him　a　drink　to　let　me　take　his　place。　　He　was　a　kindly　old　man　and　he　humored　me。　　I　went　for　those　stones　with　the　accumulated　energy　of　three　weeks；　and　did　more　work　in　half　an　hour　than　he　had　done　all　day。　　But　it　did　not　make　him　jealous。

Having　taken　the　plunge；　I　went　further　and　further　into　dissipation；　going　out　for　a　long　walk　every　morning　and　listening　to　the　band　in　the　pavilion　every　evening。　　But　the　days　still　passed　slowly　notwithstanding；　and　I　was　heartily　glad　when　the　last　one　came　and　I　was　being　whirled　away　from　gouty；　consumptive　Buxton　to　London　with　its　stern　work　and　life。　　I　looked　out　of　the　carriage　as　we　rushed　through　Hendon　in　the　evening。　　The　lurid　glare　overhanging　the　mighty　city　seemed　to　warm　my　heart；　and　when；　later　on；　my　cab　rattled　out　of　St。　Pancras'　station；　the　old　familiar　roar　that　came　swelling　up　around　me　sounded　the　sweetest　music　I　had　heard　for　many　a　long　day。

I　certainly　did　not　enjoy　that　month's　idling。　　I　like　idling　when　I　ought　not　to　be　idling；　not　when　it　is　the　only　thing　I　have　to　do。　That　is　my　pig…headed　nature。　　The　time　when　I　like　best　to　stand　with　my　back　to　the　fire；　calculating　how　much　I　owe；　is　when　my　desk　is　heaped　highest　with　letters　that　must　be　answered　by　the　next　post。　When　I　like　to　dawdle　longest　over　my　dinner　is　when　I　have　a　heavy　evening's　work　before　me。　　And　if；　for　some　urgent　reason；　I　ought　to　be　up　particularly　early　in　the　morning；　it　is　then；　more　than　at　any　other　time；　that　I　love　to　lie　an　extra　half…hour　in　bed。

Ah！　how　delicious　it　is　to　turn　ov