flattened projectile as a trophy ＇he throws it on the table； the
noise it makes testifies to its weight＇。 Had it penetrated to the
brain I might never have sat on another Royal Commission。
Fortunately we have strong heads； we Highcastles。 Nothing has
ever penetrated to our brains。
THE LADY。 How thrilling！ How simple！ And how tragic！ But you will
forgive England？ Remember： England！ Forgive her。
AUGUSTUS ＇with gloomy magnanimity＇。 It will make no difference
whatever to my services to my country。 Though she slay me； yet
will I； if not exactly trust in her； at least take my part in her
government。 I am ever at my country's call。 Whether it be the
embassy in a leading European capital； a governor…generalship in
the tropics； or my humble mission here to make Little Pifflington
do its bit； I am always ready for the sacrifice。 Whilst England
remains England； wherever there is a public job to be done you
will find a Highcastle sticking to it。 And now； madam； enough of
my tragic personal history。 You have called on business。 What can
I do for you？
THE LADY。 You have relatives at the Foreign Office； have you not？
AUGUSTUS ＇haughtily＇。 Madam； the Foreign Office is staffed by my
relatives exclusively。
THE LADY。 Has the Foreign Office warned you that you are being
pursued by a female spy who is determined to obtain possession of
a certain list of gun emplacements？
AUGUSTUS ＇interrupting her somewhat loftily＇。 All that is
perfectly well known to this department； madam。
THE LADY ＇surprised and rather indignant＇。 Is it？ Who told you？
Was it one of your German brothers…in…law？
AUGUSTUS ＇injured； remonstrating＇。 I have only three German
brothers…in…law； madam。 Really； from your tone； one would suppose
that I had several。 Pardon my sensitiveness on that subject； but
reports are continually being circulated that I have been shot as
a traitor in the courtyard of the Ritz Hotel simply because I
have German brothers…in…law。 ＇With feeling。＇ If you had a German
brother…in…law； madam； you would know that nothing else in the
world produces so strong an anti…German feeling。 Life affords no
keener pleasure than finding a brother…in…law's name in the
German casualty list。
THE LADY。 Nobody knows that better than I。 Wait until you hear
what I have come to tell you： you will understand me as no one
else could。 Listen。 This spy； this woman
AUGUSTUS ＇all attention＇。 Yes？
THE LADY。 She is a German。 A Hun。
AUGUSTUS。 Yes； yes。 She would be。 Continue。
THE LADY。 She is my sister…in…law。
AUGUSTUS ＇deferentially＇。 I see you are well connected； madam。
Proceed。
THE LADY。 Need I add that she is my bitterest enemy？
AUGUSTUS。 May I＇he proffers his hand。 They shake； fervently。
》From this moment onward Augustus becomes more and more
confidential； gallant； and charming。＇
THE LADY。 Quite so。 Well； she is an intimate friend of your
brother at the War Office； Hungerford Highcastle； Blueloo as you
call him； I don't know why。
AUGUSTUS ＇explaining＇。 He was originally called The Singing
Oyster； because he sang drawing…room ballads with such an
extraordinary absence of expression。 He was then called the Blue
Point for a season or two。 Finally he became Blueloo。
THE LADY。 Oh； indeed： I didn't know。 Well； Blueloo is simply
infatuated with my sister…in…law； and he has rashly let out to
her that this list is in your possession。 He forgot himself
because he was in a towering rage at its being entrusted to you：
his language was terrible。 He ordered all the guns to be shifted
at once。
AUGUSTUS。 What on earth did he do that for？
THE LADY。 I can't imagine。 But this I know。 She made a bet with
him that she would come down here and obtain possession of that
list and get clean away into the street with it。 He took the bet
on condition that she brought it straight back to him at the War
Office。
AUGUSTUS。 Good heavens！ And you mean to tell me that Blueloo was
such a dolt as to believe that she could succeed？ Does he take me
for a fool？
THE LADY。 Oh； impossible！ He is jealous of your intellect。 The
bet is an insult to you： don't you feel that？ After what you have
done for our country
AUGUSTUS。 Oh； never mind that。 It is the idiocy of the thing I
look at。 He'll lose his bet； and serve him right！
THE LADY。 You feel sure you will be able to resist the siren？ I
warn you； she is very fascinating。
AUGUSTUS。 You need have no fear； madam。 I hope she will come and
try it on。 Fascination is a game that two can play at。 For
centuries the younger sons of the Highcastles have had nothing to
do but fascinate attractive females when they were not sitting on
Royal Commissions or on duty at Knightsbridge barracks。 By Gad；
madam； if the siren comes here she will meet her match。
THE LADY。 I feel that。 But if she fails to seduce you
AUGUSTUS ＇blushing＇。 Madam！
THE LADY ＇continuing＇from your allegiance
AUGUSTUS。 Oh； that！
THE LADY。 she will resort to fraud； to force； to anything。 She
will burgle your office： she will have you attacked and garotted
at night in the street。
AUGUSTUS。 Pooh！ I'm not afraid。
THE LADY。 Oh； your courage will only tempt you into danger。 She
may get the list after all。 It is true that the guns are moved。
But she would win her bet。
AUGUSTUS ＇cautiously＇。 You did not say that the guns were moved。
You said that Blueloo had ordered them to be moved。
THE LADY。 Well； that is the same thing； isn't it？
AUGUSTUS。 Not quiteat the War Office。 No doubt those guns WILL
be moved： possibly even before the end of the war。
THE LADY。 Then you think they are there still！ But if the German
War Office gets the listand she will copy it before she gives
it back to Blueloo； you may depend on itall is lost。
AUGUSTUS ＇lazily＇。 Well； I should not go as far as that。
＇Lowering his voice。＇ Will you swear to me not to repeat what I
am going to say to you； for if the British public knew that I had
said it； I should be at once hounded down as a pro…German。
THE LADY。 I will be silent as the grave。 I swear it。
AUGUSTUS ＇again taking it easily＇。 Well； our people have for some
reason made up their minds that the German War Office is
everything that our War Office is notthat it carries
promptitude； efficiency； and organization to a pitch of
completeness and perfection that must be； in my opinion；
destructive to the happiness of the staff。 My own viewwhich you
are pledged； remember； not to betrayis that the German War
Office is no better than any other War Office。 I found that
opinion on my observation of the characters of my
brothers…in…law： one of whom； by the way； is on the German
general staff。 I am not at all sure that this list of gun
emplacements would receive the smallest attention。 You see； there
are always so many more important things to be attended to。
Family matters； and so on； you understand。
THE LADY。 Still； if a question were asked in the House of
Commons
AUGUSTUS。 The great advantage of being at war； madam； is that
nobody takes the slightest notice of the House of Commons。 No
doubt it is sometimes necessary for a Minister to soothe the more
seditious members of that assembly by giving a pledge or two； but
the War Office takes no notice of such things。
THE LADY ＇staring at him＇。 Then you think this list of gun
emplacements doesn't matter！！
AUGUSTUS。 By no means； madam。 It matters very much indeed。 If
this spy were to obtain possession of the list； Blueloo would
tell the story at every dinner…table in London； and
THE LADY。 And you might lose your post。 Of course。
AUGUSTUS ＇amazed and indignant＇。 I lose my post！ What are you
dreaming about； madam？ How could I possibly be spared？ There are
hardly Highcastles enough at present to fill half the posts
created by this war。 No： Blueloo would not go that far。 He is at
least a gentleman。 But I should be chaffed； and； frankly； I don't
like being chaffed。
THE LADY。 Of course not。 Who does？ It would never do。 Oh never；
never。
AUGUSTUS。 I'm glad you see it in that light。 And now； as a
measure of security； I shall put that list in my pocket。 ＇He
begins searching vainly from drawer to drawer in the
writing…table。＇ Where on earth？ What the dickens did I？
That's very odd： IWhere the deuce？ I thought I had put it in
theOh； here it is！ No： this is Lucy's last letter。
THE LADY ＇elegiacally＇。 Lucy's Last Letter！ What a title for a
picture play！
AUGUSTUS ＇delighted＇。 Yes： it is； isn't it？ Lucy appeals to the
imagination like no other woman。 By the way ＇handing over the
letter＇； I wonder could you read it for me？ Lucy is a darling
girl； but I really can't read her writing。 In London I get the
office typist to decipher it and make me a typed copy； but here
there is nobody。
THE LADY ＇puzzling over it＇。 It is really almost illegible。 I
think the beginning is meant for 〃Dearest Gus。〃
AUGUSTUS ＇eagerly＇。 Yes： that is what she usually calls me。
Please go on。
THE LADY ＇trying to decipher it＇。 〃What a〃〃what a〃oh yes：
〃what a forgetful old〃something〃you are！〃 I can't make out
the word。
AUGUSTUS ＇greatly interested＇。 Is it blighter？ That is a favorite
expression of hers。
THE LADY。 I think so。 At all events it begins with a B。
＇Reading。＇ 〃What a forgetful old〃＇she is interrupted by a knock
at the door。＇
AUGUSTUS ＇impatiently＇。 Come in。 ＇The clerk enters； clean shaven
and in khaki； with an official paper and an envelope in his
hand。＇ What is this ridiculous mummery sir？
THE CLERK ＇coming to the table and exhibiting his uniform to
both＇。 They've passed me。 The recruiting officer come for me。
I've had my two and seven。
AUGUSTUS ＇rising wrathfully＇。 I shall not permit it。 What do they
mean by taking my office staff？ Good God！ they will be taking our
hunt servants next。 ＇Confronting the clerk。＇ What did the man
mean？ What did he say？
THE CLERK。 He said that now you was on the job we'd want another
million men； and he was going to take the old…age pensioners or
anyone he could get。
AUGUSTUS。 And did you dare to knock at my door and interrupt my
business with this lady to repeat this man's ineptitudes？
THE CLERK。 No。 I come because the waiter from the hotel brought
this paper。 You left it on the coffeeroom breakfast…table