THE CLERK。 No。 I come because the waiter from the hotel brought
this paper。 You left it on the coffeeroom breakfast…table this
morning。
THE LADY ＇intercepting it＇。 It is the list。 Good heavens！
THE CLERK ＇proffering the envelope＇。 He says he thinks this is
the envelope belonging to it。
THE LADY ＇snatching the envelope also＇。 Yes！ Addressed to you；
Lord Augustus！ ＇Augustus comes back to the table to look at it。＇
Oh； how imprudent！ Everybody would guess its importance with your
name on it。 Fortunately I have some letters of my own here
＇opening her wallet。＇ Why not hide it in one of my envelopes？
then no one will dream that the enclosure is of any political
value。 ＇Taking out a letter； she crosses the room towards the
window； whispering to Augustus as she passes him。＇ Get rid of
that man。
AUGUSTUS ＇haughtily approaching the clerk； who humorously makes a
paralytic attempt to stand at attention＇。 Have you any further
business here； pray？
THE CLERK。 Am I to give the waiter anything； or will you do it
yourself？
AUGUSTUS。 Which waiter is it？ The English one？
THE CLERK。 No： the one that calls hisself a Swiss。 Shouldn't
wonder if he'd made a copy of that paper。
AUGUSTUS。 Keep your impertinent surmises to yourself； sir。
Remember that you are in the army now； and let me have no more of
your civilian insubordination。 Attention！ Left turn！ Quick march！
THE CLERK ＇stolidly＇。 I dunno what you mean。
AUGUSTUS。 Go to the guard…room and report yourself for disobeying
orders。 Now do you know what I mean？
THE CLERK。 Now look here。 I ain't going to argue with you
AUGUSTUS。 Nor I with you。 Out with you。
He seizes the clerk： and rushes him through the door。 The moment
the lady is left alone； she snatches a sheet of official paper
from the stationery rack： folds it so that it resembles the list；
compares the two to see that they look exactly alike： whips the
list into her wallet： and substitutes the facsimile for it。 Then
she listens for the return of Augustus。 A crash is heard； as of
the clerk falling downstairs。
Augustus returns and is about to close the door when the voice of
the clerk is heard from below。
THE CLERK。 I'll have the law of you for this； I will。
AUGUSTUS ＇shouting down to him＇。 There's no more law for you； you
scoundrel。 You're a soldier now。 ＇He shuts the door and comes to
the lady。＇ Thank heaven； the war has given us the upper hand of
these fellows at last。 Excuse my violence； but discipline is
absolutely necessary in dealing with the lower middle classes。
THE LADY。 Serve the insolent creature right！ Look I have found
you a beautiful envelope for the list； an unmistakable lady's
envelope。 ＇She puts the sham list into her envelope and hands it
to him。＇
AUGUSTUS。 Excellent。 Really very clever of you。 ＇Slyly。＇ Come：
would you like to have a peep at the list ＇beginning to take the
blank paper from the envelope＇？
THE LADY ＇on the brink of detection＇。 No no。 Oh； please； no。
AUGUSTUS。 Why？ It won't bite you ＇drawing it out further。＇
THE LADY ＇snatching at his hand＇。 Stop。 Remember： if there should
be an inquiry； you must be able to swear that you never showed
that list to a mortal soul。
AUGUSTUS。 Oh； that is a mere form。 If you are really curious
THE LADY。 I am not。 I couldn't bear to look at it。 One of my
dearest friends was blown to pieces by an aircraft gun； and since
then I have never been able to think of one without horror。
AUGUSTUS。 You mean it was a real gun； and actually went off。 How
sad！ how sad！ ＇He pushes the sham list back into the envelope；
and pockets it。＇
THE LADY。 Ah！ ＇Great sigh of relief＇。 And now； Lord Augustus； I
have taken up too much of your valuable time。 Goodbye。
AUGUSTUS。 What！ Must you go？
THE LADY。 You are so busy。
AUGUSTUS。 Yes； but not before lunch； you know。 I never can do
much before lunch。 And I'm no good at all in the afternoon。 From
five to six is my real working time。 Must you really go？
THE LADY。 I must； really。 I have done my business very
satisfactorily。 Thank you ever so much ＇she proffers her hand＇。
AUGUSTUS ＇shaking it affectionately as he leads her to the door；
but fast pressing the bell button with his left hand＇。 Goodbye。
Goodbye。 So sorry to lose you。 Kind of you to come； but there was
no real danger。 You see； my dear little lady； all this talk about
war saving； and secrecy； and keeping the blinds down at night；
and so forth； is all very well； but unless it's carried out with
intelligence； believe me； you may waste a pound to save a penny；
you may let out all sorts of secrets to the enemy； you may guide
the Zeppelins right on to your own chimneys。 That's where the
ability of the governing class comes in。 Shall the fellow call a
taxi for you？
THE LADY。 No； thanks： I prefer walking。 Goodbye。 Again； many；
many thanks。
She goes out。 Augustus returns to the writing…table smiling； and
takes another look at himself in the mirror。 The clerk returns；
with his head bandaged； carrying a poker。
THE CLERK。 What did you ring for？ ＇Augustus hastily drops the
mirror＇。 Don't you come nigh me or I'll split your head with this
poker； thick as it is。
AUGUSTUS。 It does not seem to me an exceptionally thick poker。 I
rang for you to show the lady out。
THE CLERK。 She's gone。 She run out like a rabbit。 I ask myself
why was she in such a hurry？
THE LADY'S VOICE ＇from the street＇。 Lord Augustus。 Lord Augustus。
THE CLERK。 She's calling you。
AUGUSTUS ＇running to the window and throwing it up＇。 What is it？
Won't you come up？
THE LADY。 Is the clerk there？
AUGUSTUS。 Yes。 Do you want him？
THE LADY。 Yes。
AUGUSTUS。 The lady wants you at the window。
THE CLERK ＇rushing to the window and putting down the poker＇。
Yes； ma'am？ Here I am； ma'am。 What is it； ma'am？
THE LADY。 I want you to witness that I got clean away into the
street。 I am coming up now。
The two men stare at one another。
THE CLERK。 Wants me to witness that she got clean away into the
street！
AUGUSTUS。 What on earth does she mean？
The lady returns。
THE LADY。 May I use your telephone？
AUGUSTUS。 Certainly。 Certainly。 ＇Taking the receiver down。＇ What
number shall I get you？
THE LADY。 The War Office； please。
AUGUSTUS。 The War Office！？
THE LADY。 If you will be so good。
AUGUSTUS。 ButOh； very well。 ＇Into the receiver。＇ Hallo。 This is
the Town Hall Recruiting Office。 Give me Colonel Bogey； sharp。
A pause。
THE CLERK ＇breaking the painful silence＇。 I don't think I'm
awake。 This is a dream of a movie picture； this is。
AUGUSTUS ＇his ear at the receiver＇。 Shut up； will you？ ＇Into the
telephone。＇ What？。。。＇To the lady。＇ Whom do you want to get on to？
THE LADY。 Blueloo。
AUGUSTUS ＇into the telephone＇。 Put me through to Lord Hungerford
Highcastle。。。I'm his brother； idiot。。。That you； Blueloo？ Lady
here at Little Pifflington wants to speak to you。 Hold the line。
＇To the lady。＇ Now； madam ＇he hands her the receiver＇。
THE LADY ＇sitting down in Augustus's chair to speak into the
telephone＇。 Is that Blueloo？。。。Do you recognize my voice？。。。I've
won our bet。。。。
AUGUSTUS。 Your bet！
THE LADY ＇into the telephone＇。 Yes： I have the list in my wallet
。。。。
AUGUSTUS。 Nothing of the kind； madam。 I have it here in my
pocket。 ＇He takes the envelope from his pocket： draws out the
paper： and unfolds it。＇
THE LADY ＇continuing＇。 Yes： I got clean into the street with it。
I have a witness。 I could have got to London with it。 Augustus
won't deny it。。。。
AUGUSTUS ＇contemplating the blank paper＇。 There's nothing written
on this。 Where is the list of guns？
THE LADY ＇continuing＇。 Oh； it was quite easy。 I said I was my
sister…in…law and that I was a Hun。 He lapped it up like a kitten
。。。。
AUGUSTUS。 You don't mean to say that
THE LADY ＇continuing＇。 I got hold of the list for a moment and
changed it for a piece of paper out of his stationery rack： it
was quite easy ＇she laughs： and it is clear that Blueloo is
laughing too＇。
AUGUSTUS。 What！
THE CLERK ＇laughing slowly and laboriously； with intense
enjoyment＇。 Ha ha！ Ha ha ha！ Ha！ ＇Augustus rushes at him； he
snatches up the poker and stands on guard。＇ No you don't。
THE LADY ＇still at the telephone； waving her disengaged hand
behind her impatiently at them to stop making a noise＇。 Sh…sh…sh…
sh…sh！！！ ＇Augustus； with a shrug； goes up the middle of the room。
The lady resumes her conversation with the telephone。＇ What？。。。Oh
yes： I'm coming up by the 1。35： why not have tea with me at
Rumpelmeister's？。。。Rum…pel…meister's。 You know： they call it
Robinson's now。。。Right。 Ta ta。 ＇She hangs up the receiver； and is
passing round the table on her way towards the door when she is
confronted by Augustus。＇
AUGUSTUS。 Madam； I consider your conduct most unpatriotic。 You
make bets and abuse the confidence of the hardworked officials
who are doing their bit for their country whilst our gallant
fellows are perishing in the trenches
THE LADY。 Oh； the gallant fellows are not all in the trenches；
Augustus。 Some of them have come home for a few days' hard…earned
leave； and I am sure you won't grudge them a little fun at your
expense。
THE CLERK。 Hear！ hear！
AUGUSTUS ＇amiably＇。 Ah； well！ For my country's sake！
End