the old bachelor- 第3部分

SHARP。　　And　here　comes　one　who　swears　as　heartily　he　hates　all　the　sex。


SCENE　IV。


＇To　them＇　HEARTWELL。

BELL。　　Who？　　Heartwell？　　Ay；　but　he　knows　better　things。　　How　now；　George；　where　hast　thou　been　snarling　odious　truths；　and　entertaining　company；　like　a　physician；　with　discourse　of　their　diseases　and　infirmities？　　What　fine　lady　hast　thou　been　putting　out　of　conceit　with　herself；　and　persuading　that　the　face　she　had　been　making　all　the　morning　was　none　of　her　own？　　For　I　know　thou　art　as　unmannerly　and　as　unwelcome　to　a　woman　as　a　looking…glass　after　the　smallpox。

HEART。　　I　confess　I　have　not　been　sneering　fulsome　lies　and　nauseous　flattery；　fawning　upon　a　little　tawdry　whore；　that　will　fawn　upon　me　again；　and　entertain　any　puppy　that　comes；　like　a　tumbler；　with　the　same　tricks　over　and　over。　　For　such；　I　guess；　may　have　been　your　late　employment。

BELL。　　Would　thou　hadst　come　a　little　sooner。　　Vainlove　would　have　wrought　thy　conversion；　and　been　a　champion　for　the　cause。

HEART。　　What！　has　he　been　here？　　That's　one　of　love's　April　fools；　is　always　upon　some　errand　that's　to　no　purpose；　ever　embarking　in　adventures；　yet　never　comes　to　harbour。

SHARP。　　That's　because　he　always　sets　out　in　foul　weather；　loves　to　buffet　with　the　winds；　meet　the　tide；　and　sail　in　the　teeth　of　opposition。

HEART。　　What！　　Has　he　not　dropt　anchor　at　Araminta？

BELL。　　Truth　on't　is　she　fits　his　temper　best；　is　a　kind　of　floating　island；　sometimes　seems　in　reach；　then　vanishes　and　keeps　him　busied　in　the　search。

SHARP。　　She　had　need　have　a　good　share　of　sense　to　manage　so　capricious　a　lover。

BELL。　　Faith　I　don't　know；　he's　of　a　temper　the　most　easy　to　himself　in　the　world；　he　takes　as　much　always　of　an　amour　as　he　cares　for；　and　quits　it　when　it　grows　stale　or　unpleasant。

SHARP。　　An　argument　of　very　little　passion；　very　good　understanding；　and　very　ill　nature。

HEART。　　And　proves　that　Vainlove　plays　the　fool　with　discretion。

SHARP。　　You；　Bellmour；　are　bound　in　gratitude　to　stickle　for　him；　you　with　pleasure　reap　that　fruit；　which　he　takes　pains　to　sow：　　he　does　the　drudgery　in　the　mine；　and　you　stamp　your　image　on　the　gold。

BELL。　　He's　of　another　opinion；　and　says　I　do　the　drudgery　in　the　mine。　　Well；　we　have　each　our　share　of　sport；　and　each　that　which　he　likes　best；　'tis　his　diversion　to　set；　'tis　mine　to　cover　the　partridge。

HEART。　　And　it　should　be　mine　to　let　'em　go　again。

SHARP。　　Not　till　you　had　mouthed　a　little；　George。　　I　think　that's　all　thou　art　fit　for　now。

HEART。　　Good　Mr。　Young…Fellow；　you're　mistaken；　as　able　as　yourself；　and　as　nimble；　too；　though　I　mayn't　have　so　much　mercury　in　my　limbs；　'tis　true；　indeed；　I　don't　force　appetite；　but　wait　the　natural　call　of　my　lust；　and　think　it　time　enough　to　be　lewd　after　I　have　had　the　temptation。

BELL。　　Time　enough；　ay；　too　soon；　I　should　rather　have　expected；　from　a　person　of　your　gravity。

HEART。　　Yet　it　is　oftentimes　too　late　with　some　of　you　young；　termagant；　flashy　sinnersyou　have　all　the　guilt　of　the　intention；　and　none　of　the　pleasure　of　the　practice'tis　true　you　are　so　eager　in　pursuit　of　the　temptation；　that　you　save　the　devil　the　trouble　of　leading　you　into　it。　　Nor　is　it　out　of　discretion　that　you　don't　swallow　that　very　hook　yourselves　have　baited；　but　you　are　cloyed　with　the　preparative；　and　what　you　mean　for　a　whet；　turns　the　edge　of　your　puny　stomachs。　　Your　love　is　like　your　courage；　which　you　show　for　the　first　year　or　two　upon　all　occasions；　till　in　a　little　time；　being　disabled　or　disarmed；　you　abate　of　your　vigour；　and　that　daring　blade　which　was　so　often　drawn；　is　bound　to　the　peace　for　ever　after。

BELL。　　Thou　art　an　old　fornicator　of　a　singular　good　principle　indeed；　and　art　for　encouraging　youth；　that　they　may　be　as　wicked　as　thou　art　at　thy　years。

HEART。　　I　am　for　having　everybody　be　what　they　pretend　to　be：　　a　whoremaster　be　a　whoremaster；　and　not　like　Vainlove；　kiss　a　lap…dog　with　passion；　when　it　would　disgust　him　from　the　lady's　own　lips。

BELL。　　That　only　happens　sometimes；　where　the　dog　has　the　sweeter　breath；　for　the　more　cleanly　conveyance。　　But；　George；　you　must　not　quarrel　with　little　gallantries　of　this　nature：　　women　are　often　won　by　'em。　　Who　would　refuse　to　kiss　a　lap…dog；　if　it　were　preliminary　to　the　lips　of　his　lady？

SHARP。　　Or　omit　playing　with　her　fan；　and　cooling　her　if　she　were　hot；　when　it　might　entitle　him　to　the　office　of　warming　her　when　she　should　be　cold？

BELL。　　What　is　it　to　read　a　play　in　a　rainy　day？　　Though　you　should　be　now　and　then　interrupted　in　a　witty　scene；　and　she　perhaps　preserve　her　laughter；　till　the　jest　were　over；　even　that　may　be　borne　with；　considering　the　reward　in　prospect。

HEART。　　I　confess　you　that　are　women's　asses　bear　greater　burdens：　are　forced　to　undergo　dressing；　dancing；　singing；　sighing；　whining；　rhyming；　flattering；　lying；　grinning；　cringing；　and　the　drudgery　of　loving　to　boot。

BELL。　　O　brute；　the　drudgery　of　loving！

HEART。　　Ay！　　Why；　to　come　to　love　through　all　these　incumbrances　is　like　coming　to　an　estate　overcharged　with　debts；　which；　by　the　time　you　have　paid；　yields　no　further　profit　than　what　the　bare　tillage　and　manuring　of　the　land　will　produce　at　the　expense　of　your　own　sweat。

BELL。　　Prithee；　how　dost　thou　love？

SHARP。　　He！　　He　hates　the　sex。

HEART。　　So　I　hate　physic　tooyet　I　may　love　to　take　it　for　my　health。

BELL。　　Well　come　off；　George；　if　at　any　time　you　should　be　taken　straying。

SHARP。　　He　has　need　of　such　an　excuse；　considering　the　present　state　of　his　body。

HEART。　　How　d'ye　mean？

SHARP。　　Why；　if　whoring　be　purging；　as　you　call　it；　then；　I　may　say；　marriage　is　entering　into　a　course　of　physic。

BELL。　　How；　George！　　Does　the　wind　blow　there？

HEART。　　It　will　as　soon　blow　north　and　by　southmarry；　quotha！　　I　hope　in　heaven　I　have　a　greater　portion　of　grace；　and　I　think　I　have　baited　too　many　of　those　traps　to　be　caught　in　one　myself。

BELL。　　Who　the　devil　would　have　thee？　unless　'twere　an　oysterwoman　to　propagate　young　fry　for　Billingsgatethy　talent　will　never　recommend　thee　to　anything　of　better　quality。

HEART。　　My　talent　is　chiefly　that　of　speaking　truth；　which　I　don't　expect　should　ever　recommend　me　to　people　of　quality。　　I　thank　heaven　I　have　very　honestly　purchased　the　hatred　of　all　the　great　families　in　town。

SHARP。　　And　you　in　return　of　spleen　hate　them。　　But　could　you　hope　to　be　received　into　the　alliance　of　a　noble　family　…

HEART。　　No；　I　hope　I　shall　never　merit　that　affliction；　to　be　punished　with　a　wife　of　birth；　be　a　stag　of　the　first　head　and　bear　my　horns　aloft；　like　one　of　the　supporters　of　my　wife's　coat。　S'death　I　would　not　be　a　Cuckold　to　e'er　an　illustrious　whore　in　England。

BELL。　　What；　not　to　make　your　family；　man　and　provide　for　your　children？

SHARP。　　For　her　children；　you　mean。

HEART。　　Ay；　there　you've　nicked　it。　　There's　the　devil　upon　devil。　Oh；　the　pride　and　joy　of　heart　'twould　be　to　me　to　have　my　son　and　heir　resemble　such　a　duke；　to　have　a　fleering　coxcomb　scoff　and　cry；　'Mr。　your　son's　mighty　like　his　Grace；　has　just　his　smile　and　air　of's　face。'　　Then　replies　another；　'Methinks　he　has　more　of　the　Marquess　of　such　a　place　about　his　nose　and　eyes；　though　he　has　my　Lord　what…d'ye…call's　mouth　to　a　tittle。'　　Then　I；　to　put　it　off　as　unconcerned；　come　chuck　the　infant　under　the　chin；　force　a　smile；　and　cry；　'Ay；　the　boy　takes　after　his　mother's　relations；'　when　the　devil　and　she　knows　'tis　a　little　compound　of　the　whole　body　of　nobility。

BELL＋SHARP。　　Ha；　ha；　ha！

BELL。　　Well；　but；　George；　I　have　one　question　to　ask　you　…

HEART。　　Pshaw；　I　have　prattled　away　my　time。　　I　hope　you　are　in　no　haste　for　an　answer；　for　I　shan't　stay　now。　　＇Looking　on　his　watch。＇

BELL。　　Nay；　prithee；　George　…

HEART。　　No；　besides　my　business；　I　see　a　fool　coming　this　way。　Adieu。


SCENE　V。


SHARPER；　BELLMOUR。

BELL。　　What　does　he　mean？　　Oh；　'tis　Sir　Joseph　Wittoll　with　his　friend；　but　I　see　he　has　turned　the　corner　and　goes　another　way。

SHARP。　　What　in　the　name　of　wonder　is　it？

BELL。　　Why；　a　fool。

SHARP。　　'Tis　a　tawdry　outside。

BELL。　　And　a　very　beggarly　liningyet　he　may　be　worth　your　acquaintance；　a　little　of　thy　chymistry；　Tom；　may　extract　gold　from　that　dirt。

SHARP。　　Say　you　so？　　'Faith　I　am　as　poor　as　a　chymist；　and　would　be　as　industrious。　　But　what　was　he　that　followed　him？　　Is　not　he　a　dragon　that　watches　those　golden　pippins？

BELL。　　Hang　him；　no；　he　a　dragon！　　If　he　be；　'tis　a　very　peaceful　one。　　I　can　ensure　his　anger　dormant；　or　should　he　seem　to　rouse；　'tis　but　well　lashing　him；　and　he　will　sleep　like　a　top。

SHARP。　　Ay；　is　he　of　that　kidney？

BELL。　　Yet　is　adored　by　that　bigot；　Sir　Joseph　Wittoll；　as　the　image　of　valour。　　He　calls　him　his　back；　and　indeed　they　are　never　asunderyet；　last　night；　I　know　not　by　what　mischance；　the　knight　was　alone；　and　had　fallen　into　the　hands　of　some　night…walkers；　who；　I　suppose；　would　have　pillaged　him。　　But　I　chanced　to　come　by　and　rescued　him；　though　I　believe　he　was　heartily　frightened；　for　as　soon　as　ever　he　was　loose；　he　ran　away　without　staying　to　see　who　had　helped　him。

SHARP。　　Is　that　bully　of　his　in　the　army？

BELL。　　No；　but　is　a　pretender；　and　wears　the　habit　of　a　soldier；　which　nowadays　as　often　cloaks　cowardice；　as　a　black　gown　does　atheism。　　You　must　know　he　has　been　abroadwent　purely　to　run　away　from　a　campaign；　enriched　himself　with　the　plunder　of　a　few　oaths；　and　here　vents　them　against　the　general；　who；　slighting　men　of　merit；　and　preferring　only　those　of　interest；　has　made　him　quit　the　service。

SHARP。　　Wherein　no　doubt　he　magnifies　his　own　performance。

BELL。　　Speaks　miracles；　is　the　drum　to　his　own　praisethe　only　implement　of　a　soldier　he　resembles；　like　that；　being　full　of　blustering　noise　and　emptiness　…

SHARP。　　And　like　that；　of　no　use　but　to　be　beaten。

BELL。　　Right；　but　then　the　comparison　breaks；　for　he　will　take　a　drubbing　with　as　little　noise　as　a　pulpit　cushion。

SHARP。　　His　name；　and　I　have　done？

BELL。　　Why；　that；　to　pass　it　current　too；　he　has　gilded　with　a　title：　　he　is　called　Capt。　Bluffe。

SHARP。　　Well；　I'll　endeavour　his　acquaintanceyou　steer　another　course；　are　bound　…

For　love's　island：　　I；　for　the　golden　coast。　May　each　succeed　in　what　he　wis