to him about India and the dancing…girls there； asked
Amelia about that beautiful boy who had been with her；
and complimented the astonished little woman upon the
prodigious sensation which she had made in the house；
and tried to fascinate Dobbin by talking of the late war
and the exploits of the Pumpernickel contingent under the
command of the Hereditary Prince； now Duke of
Pumpernickel。
Lord Tapeworm inherited no little portion of the family
gallantry； and it was his happy belief that almost every
woman upon whom he himself cast friendly eyes was in
love with him。 He left Emmy under the persuasion that
she was slain by his wit and attractions and went home to
his lodgings to write a pretty little note to her。 She was
not fascinated； only puzzled； by his grinning； his simpering；
his scented cambric handkerchief； and his high…heeled
lacquered boots。 She did not understand one…half the
compliments which he paid； she had never； in her small
experience of mankind； met a professional ladies' man as
yet； and looked upon my lord as something curious rather
than pleasant； and if she did not admire； certainly
wondered at him。 Jos； on the contrary； was delighted。 〃How
very affable his Lordship is；〃 he said； 〃How very kind of
his Lordship to say he would send his medical man！
Kirsch； you will carry our cards to the Count de
Schlusselback directly； the Major and I will have the
greatest pleasure in paying our respects at Court as soon
as possible。 Put out my uniform； Kirschboth our
uniforms。 It is a mark of politeness which every English
gentleman ought to show to the countries which he visits
to pay his respects to the sovereigns of those countries
as to the representatives of his own。〃
When Tapeworm's doctor came； Doctor von Glauber；
Body Physician to H。S。H。 the Duke； he speedily
convinced Jos that the Pumpernickel mineral springs and
the Doctor's particular treatment would infallibly restore
the Bengalee to youth and slimness。 〃Dere came here last
year；〃 he said； 〃Sheneral Bulkeley； an English Sheneral；
tvice so pic as you； sir。 I sent him back qvite tin after
tree months； and he danced vid Baroness Glauber at
the end of two。〃
Jos's mind was made up； the springs； the Doctor； the
Court； and the Charge d'Affaires convinced him； and he
proposed to spend the autumn in these delightful
quarters。 And punctual to his word； on the next day the
Charge d'Affaires presented Jos and the Major to Victor
Aurelius XVII； being conducted to their audience with
that sovereign by the Count de Schlusselback； Marshal
of the Court。
They were straightway invited to dinner at Court； and
their intention of staying in the town being announced；
the politest ladies of the whole town instantly called upon
Mrs。 Osborne； and as not one of these； however poor
they might be； was under the rank of a Baroness； Jos's
delight was beyond expression。 He wrote off to Chutney
at the Club to say that the Service was highly appreciated
in Germany； that he was going to show his friend； the
Count de Schlusselback； how to stick a pig in the Indian
fashion； and that his august friends； the Duke and
Duchess； were everything that was kind and civil。
Emmy； too； was presented to the august family； and as
mourning is not admitted in Court on certain days； she
appeared in a pink crape dress with a diamond ornament
in the corsage； presented to her by her brother； and
she looked so pretty in this costume that the Duke and
Court （putting out of the question the Major； who had
scarcely ever seen her before in an evening dress； and
vowed that she did not look five…and…twenty） all admired
her excessively。
In this dress she walked a Polonaise with Major Dobbin
at a Court ball； in which easy dance Mr。 Jos had the
honour of leading out the Countess of Schlusselback；
an old lady with a hump back； but with sixteen good
quarters of nobility and related to half the royal houses
of Germany。
Pumpernickel stands in the midst of a happy valley
through which sparklesto mingle with the Rhine
somewhere； but I have not the map at hand to say exactly at
what pointthe fertilizing stream of the Pump。 In some
places the river is big enough to support a ferry…boat； in
others to turn a mill； in Pumpernickel itself； the last
Transparency but three； the great and renowned Victor
Aurelius XIV built a magnificent bridge； on which his
own statue rises； surrounded by water…nymphs and
emblems of victory； peace； and plenty； he has his foot on the
neck of a prostrate Turkhistory says he engaged and
ran a Janissary through the body at the relief of Vienna
by Sobieskibut； quite undisturbed by the agonies
of that prostrate Mahometan； who writhes at his feet in
the most ghastly manner； the Prince smiles blandly and
points with his truncheon in the direction of the Aurelius
Platz； where he began to erect a new palace that would
have been the wonder of his age had the great…souled
Prince but had funds to complete it。 But the completion
of Monplaisir （Monblaisir the honest German folks call
it） was stopped for lack of ready money； and it and its
park and garden are now in rather a faded condition；
and not more than ten times big enough to accommodate
the Court of the reigning Sovereign。
The gardens were arranged to emulate those of
Versailles； and amidst the terraces and groves there are
some huge allegorical waterworks still； which spout and
froth stupendously upon fete…days； and frighten one
with their enormous aquatic insurrections。 There is the
Trophonius' cave in which； by some artifice； the leaden
Tritons are made not only to spout water； but to play
the most dreadful groans out of their lead conchsthere
is the nymphbath and the Niagara cataract； which the
people of the neighbourhood admire beyond expression；
when they come to the yearly fair at the opening of the
Chamber； or to the fetes with which the happy little nation
still celebrates the birthdays and marriage…days of its
princely governors。
Then from all the towns of the Duchy； which stretches
for nearly ten milefrom Bolkum； which lies on
its western frontier bidding defiance to Prussia； from
Grogwitz； where the Prince has a hunting…lodge； and
where his dominions are separated by the Pump River
from those of the neighbouring Prince of Potzenthal； from
all the little villages； which besides these three great
cities； dot over the happy principalityfrom the farms
and the mills along the Pump come troops of people in
red petticoats and velvet head…dresses； or with three…
cornered hats and pipes in their mouths； who flock to the
Residenz and share in the pleasures of the fair and the
festivities there。 Then the theatre is open for nothing；
then the waters of Monblaisir begin to play （it is lucky
that there is company to behold them； for one would be
afraid to see them alone）then there come mountebanks
and riding troops （the way in which his Transparency
was fascinated by one of the horse…riders is well known；
and it is believed that La Petite Vivandiere； as she was
called； was a spy in the French interest）； and the delighted
people are permitted to march through room after room
of the Grand Ducal palace and admire the slippery
floor； the rich hangings； and the spittoons at the
doors of all the innumerable chambers。 There is one
Pavilion at Monblaisir which Aurelius Victor XV had
arrangeda great Prince but too fond of pleasureand
which I am told is a perfect wonder of licentious elegance。
It is painted with the story of Bacchus and Ariadne； and
the table works in and out of the room by means of a
windlass； so that the company was served without any
intervention of domestics。 But the place was shut up by
Barbara； Aurelius XV's widow； a severe and devout
Princess of the House of Bolkum and Regent of the Duchy
during her son's glorious minority； and after the death
of her husband； cut off in the pride of his pleasures。
The theatre of Pumpernickel is known and famous in
that quarter of Germany。 It languished a little when the
present Duke in his youth insisted upon having his own
operas played there； and it is said one day； in a fury；
from his place in the orchestra； when he attended a
rehearsal； broke a bassoon on the head of the Chapel
Master； who was conducting； and led too slow； and during
which time the Duchess Sophia wrote domestic comedies；
which must have been very dreary to witness。 But the
Prince executes his music in private now； and the Duchess
only gives away her plays to the foreigners of distinction
who visit her kind little Court。
It is conducted with no small comfort and splendour。
When there are balls； though there may be four
hundred people at supper； there is a servant in scarlet and
lace to attend upon every four； and every one is served
on silver。 There are festivals and entertainments going
continually on； and the Duke has his chamberlains and
equerries； and the Duchess her mistress of the wardrobe
and ladies of honour； just like any other and more
potent potentates。
The Constitution is or was a moderate despotism；
tempered by a Chamber that might or might not be
elected。 I never certainly could hear of its sitting in my time
at Pumpernickel。 The Prime Minister had lodgings in a
second floor； and the Foreign Secretary occupied the
comfortable lodgings over Zwieback's Conditorey。 The
army consisted of a magnificent band that also did duty
on the stage； where it was quite pleasant to see the
worthy fellows marching in Turkish dresses with rouge on
and wooden scimitars； or as Roman warriors with
ophicleides and trombonesto see them again； I say； at
night； after one had listened to them all the morning in
the Aurelius Platz； where they performed opposite the
cafe where we breakfasted。 Besides the band； there was
a rich and numerous staff of officers； and； I believe； a
few men。 Besides the regular sentries； three or four men；
habited as hussars； used to do duty at the Palace； but I
never saw them on horseback； and au fait； what was the
use of cavalry in a time of profound peace？and whither
the deuce should the hussars ride？
Everybodyeverybody that was noble of course； for
as for the bourgeois we could not quite be expected to
take notice of THEMvisited his neig